MONTY PYTHON
AND
THE HOLY GRAIL

THE SCRIPT!!

Transcribed by Adam R. Jones

Helpers: Hans ten Cate, Rich Jackman, Malcolm Dickinson, Bret Shefter, and Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambesi

Converted to HTML by Patrick Keegan

---------

Monty Python and the Holy Grail - (c) 1974 - Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd.


The cast

KING ARTHUR
PATSY
SOLDIER #1
SOLDIER #2
CART MASTER
CUSTOMER
DEAD PERSON
DENNIS
WOMAN
BLACK KNIGHT
GREEN KNIGHT
LEAD MONK
VILLAGER #1
VILLAGER #2
SIR BEDEVERE
WITCH
VILLAGER #3
VILLAGER #4
NARRATOR
PAGE TURNER
SIR LAUNCELOT
SIR GALAHAD
SIR ROBIN
SIR NOT-APPEARING-IN-THIS-FILM
PRISONER
MAN
GOD
FRENCH GUARD
HISTORIAN
KNIGHT
HISTORIAN'S WIFE
MINSTREL
LEFT HEAD
MIDDLE HEAD
RIGHT HEAD
ZOOT
PIGLET
WINSTON
DINGO
OLD MAN/BRIDGEKEEPER
TIM THE ENCHANTER
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
CARTOON CHARACTER
FATHER
PRINCE HERBERT
GUARD #1
GUARD #2
CONCORDE
GUEST #1
GUEST #2
OLD CRONE
ROGER THE SHRUBBER
OFFICER #1
INSPECTOR
RABBIT OF CAERBANNOG
BROTHER MAYNARD
SECOND BROTHER
ANIMATOR
Graham Chapman
Terry Gilliam
Michael Palin
John Cleese
Eric Idle
John Cleese
John Young
Michael Palin
Terry Jones
John Cleese
Terry Gilliam
Neil Innes
Eric Idle
Michael Palin
Terry Jones
Connie Booth
John Cleese
Neil Innes
Michael Palin
Maggie Gilliam
John Cleese
Michael Palin
Eric Idle
Tom Palin
Mark Zycon
Neil Innes
Graham Chapman
John Cleese
John Young
John Cleese
Rita Davies
Neil Innes
Terry Jones
Graham Chapman
Michael Palin
Carol Cleveland
Avril Stewart
Sally Kinghorn
Carol Cleveland
Terry Gilliam
John Cleese
Michael Palin
Terry Jones
Michael Palin
Terry Jones
Eric Idle
Graham Chapman
Eric Idle
Michael Palin
Michael Palin
Bee Duffell
Eric Idle
Julian Doyle
Roy Smith
Himself
Eric Idle
Michael Palin
Terry Gilliam

Scene 1

[wind]
[clop clop clop]
KING ARTHUR
Whoa there!
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #1
Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1
Pull the other one!
ARTHUR
I am, ...and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER #1
What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR
Yes!
SOLDIER #1
You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR
What?
SOLDIER #1
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--
SOLDIER #1
Where'd you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR
We found them.
SOLDIER #1
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR
What do you mean?
SOLDIER #1
Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
SOLDIER #1
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR
Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER #1
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk!
SOLDIER #1
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR
 
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
SOLDIER #1
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
ARTHUR
Please!
SOLDIER #1
Am I right?
ARTHUR
I'm not interested!
SOLDIER #2
It could be carried by an African swallow!
SOLDIER #1
Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
SOLDIER #2
Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ARTHUR
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
SOLDIER #1
But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
SOLDIER #2
Oh, yeah...
SOLDIER #1
So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #2
Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER #1
No, they'd have to have it on a line.
SOLDIER #2
Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
SOLDIER #1
What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
SOLDIER #2
Well, why not?

Scene 2

[thud]
[clang]
CART-MASTER
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[cough cough...]
[clang]
[...cough cough]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead! 
[clang]
Bring out your dead! Ninepence.
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out...
[rewr!]
...your dead!
[rewr!]
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER
Here's one.
CART-MASTER
Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON
I'm not dead!
CART-MASTER
What?
CUSTOMER
Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
DEAD PERSON
I'm not dead!
CART-MASTER
'Ere. He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER
Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON
I'm not!
CART-MASTER
He isn't?
CUSTOMER
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
DEAD PERSON
I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER
No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
CART-MASTER
Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON
I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER
Oh, don't be such a baby.
CART-MASTER
 
I can't take him.
DEAD PERSON
I feel fine!
CUSTOMER
Well, do us a favour.
CART-MASTER
I can't.
CUSTOMER
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
CART-MASTER
No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER
Well, when's your next round?
CART-MASTER
Thursday.
DEAD PERSON
I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON
[singing] I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER
Ah, thanks very much.
CART-MASTER
Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER
Right. All right.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Who's that then?
CART-MASTER
I dunno. Must be a king.
CUSTOMER
Why?
CART-MASTER
He hasn't got shit all over him.

Scene 3

[thud]
[King Arthur music]
[thud thud thud]
[King Arthur music stops]
ARTHUR
Old woman!
DENNIS
Man!
ARTHUR
Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS
I'm thirty-seven.
ARTHUR
I-- what?
DENNIS
I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
ARTHUR
Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
DENNIS
Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
ARTHUR
Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
DENNIS
Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR
I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--
DENNIS
What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR
Well, I am King!
DENNIS
Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
WOMAN
Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?
ARTHUR
How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?
WOMAN
King of the who?
ARTHUR
The Britons.
WOMAN
Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR
Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.
WOMAN
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS
You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN
Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
DENNIS
That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
ARTHUR
Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
WOMAN
No one lives there.
ARTHUR
Then who is your lord?
WOMAN
We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR
What?
DENNIS
I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,...
ARTHUR
Yes.
DENNIS
...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
ARTHUR
Yes, I see.
DENNIS
...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
 
ARTHUR
Be quiet!
DENNIS
...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
ARTHUR
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN
Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
ARTHUR
I am your king!
WOMAN
Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR
You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN
Well, how did you become King, then?
ARTHUR
The Lady of the Lake,...
[angels sing]
...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENNIS
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR
Be quiet!
DENNIS
Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR
Shut up!
DENNIS
I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ARTHUR
Shut up, will you? Shut up!
DENNIS
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR
Shut up!
DENNIS
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR
Bloody peasant!
DENNIS
Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

Scene 4

[King Arthur music]
[music stops]
BLACK KNIGHT
Aaaagh!
[King Arthur music]
[music stops]
BLACK KNIGHT
Aaagh!
GREEN KNIGHT
Ooh!
[King Arthur music]
[music stops]
[stab]
BLACK KNIGHT
Aagh!
GREEN KNIGHT
Oh!
[King Arthur music]
Ooh!
[music stops]
BLACK KNIGHT
Aaaagh!
[clang]
BLACK KNIGHT and GREEN KNIGHT
Agh!, oh!, etc.
GREEN KNIGHT
Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!
[woosh]
[BLACK KNIGHT kills GREEN KNIGHT]
[thud]
[scrape]
BLACK KNIGHT
Umm!
[clop clop clop]
ARTHUR
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[pause]
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass.
ARTHUR
What?
BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass. 
ARTHUR
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT
Then you shall die.
ARTHUR
I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT
I move for no man.
ARTHUR
So be it!
ARTHUR and BLACK KNIGHT
Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR
Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT
'Tis but a scratch.
 
ARTHUR
A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT
No, it isn't.
ARTHUR
Well, what's that, then?
BLACK KNIGHT
I've had worse.
ARTHUR
You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT
Come on, you pansy!
[clang]
Huyah!
[clang]
Hiyaah!
[clang] 
Aaaaaaaah!
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR
Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--
BLACK KNIGHT
Hah!
[kick]
Come on, then.
ARTHUR
What?
BLACK KNIGHT
Have at you!
[kick]
ARTHUR
Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT
Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR
Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT
Yes, I have.
ARTHUR
Look!
BLACK KNIGHT
Just a flesh wound.
 
[kick]
ARTHUR
Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT
Chicken!
[kick]
Chickennn!
ARTHUR
Look, I'll have your leg.
[kick]
Right!
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT
Right. I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR
You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT
Come here!
ARTHUR
What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT
I'm invincible!
ARTHUR
You're a looney.
BLACK KNIGHT
The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then.
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's last leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT
Ooh. All right, we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR
Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT
Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

Scene 5

MONKS
[chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
CROWD
A witch! A witch!
[bonk]
A witch! A witch!
MONKS
[chanting] Pie Iesu domine...
CROWD
A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1
We have found a witch. May we burn her?
CROWD
Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
BEDEVERE
How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2
She looks like one.
CROWD 
Right! Yeah! Yeah!
BEDEVERE
Bring her forward.
WITCH
I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE
Uh, but you are dressed as one.
WITCH
They dressed me up like this.
CROWD
Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
WITCH
And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
BEDEVERE
Well?
VILLAGER #1
Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE
The nose?
VILLAGER #1
And the hat, but she is a witch!
VILLAGER #2
Yeah!
CROWD
We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
BEDEVERE
Did you dress her up like this?
VILLAGER #1
No!
VILLAGERS #2 and #3
No. No.
VILLAGER #2
No.
VILLAGER #1
No.
VILLAGERS #2 and #3
No.
VILLAGER #1
Yes.
VILLAGER #2
Yes.
VILLAGER #1
Yes. Yeah, a bit.
VILLAGER #3
A bit.
VILLAGERS #1 and #2
A bit.
VILLAGER #3
A bit.
VILLAGER #1
She has got a wart.
RANDOM
[cough]
BEDEVERE
What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3
Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE
A newt?
VILLAGER #3
I got better.
VILLAGER #2
Burn her anyway!
VILLAGER #1
Burn!
CROWD
Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...
BEDEVERE
Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
VILLAGER #1
Are there?
VILLAGER #2
Ah?
VILLAGER #1
What are they?
CROWD
Tell us! Tell us!...
BEDEVERE
Tell me. What do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2
Burn!
VILLAGER #1
Burn!
CROWD
Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
BEDEVERE
And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1
 
More witches!
VILLAGER #3
Shh!
VILLAGER #2
Wood!
BEDEVERE
So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3
B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
BEDEVERE
Good! Heh heh.
CROWD
Oh, yeah. Oh.
BEDEVERE
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1
Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE
Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #1
Oh, yeah.
RANDOM
Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
BEDEVERE
Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1
No. No.
VILLAGER #2
No, it floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1
Throw her into the pond!
CROWD
The pond! Throw her into the pond!
BEDEVERE
What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1
Bread!
VILLAGER #2
Apples!
VILLAGER #3
Uh, very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1
Cider!
VILLAGER #2
Uh, gra-- gravy!
VILLAGER #1
Cherries!
VILLAGER #2
Mud!
VILLAGER #3
Churches! Churches!
VILLAGER #2
Lead! Lead!
ARTHUR
A duck!
CROWD
Oooh.
BEDEVERE
Exactly. So, logically...
VILLAGER #1
If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
BEDEVERE
And therefore? 
VILLAGER #2
A witch!
VILLAGER #1
A witch!
CROWD
A witch! A witch!...
VILLAGER #4
Here is a duck. Use this duck.
[quack quack quack]
BEDEVERE
We shall use my largest scales.
CROWD
Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...
BEDEVERE
Right. Remove the supports!
[whop]
[clunk]
[creak]
CROWD
A witch! A witch! A witch!
WITCH
It's a fair cop.
VILLAGER #3
Burn her!
CROWD
Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...
BEDEVERE
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEVERE
My liege!
ARTHUR
Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEVERE
My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR
What is your name?
BEDEVERE
'Bedevere', my liege.
ARTHUR
Then I dub you 'Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table'.

Narrative Interlude

NARRATOR
 
The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Gallahad the Pure, and Sir Robin the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill, and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table.

Scene 6

[clop clop clop]
SIR BEDEVERE
And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
ARTHUR
This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEVERE
Oh, certainly, sir.
SIR LAUNCELOT
Look, my liege!
[trumpets]
ARTHUR
Camelot!
SIR GALAHAD
Camelot!
 
LAUNCELOT
Camelot!
PATSY
It's only a model.
ARTHUR
Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Camelot!
[in medieval hall]
KNIGHTS
[singing]
We're knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot.
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
[dancing]
We're knights of the Round Table.
Our shows are formidable,
But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're opera mad in Camelot.
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
[in dungeon]
PRISONER
[clap clap clap clap] 
[in medieval hall]
KNIGHTS
[tap-dancing]
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot.
MAN
I have to push the pram a lot.
[outdoors]
ARTHUR
Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
KNIGHTS
Right. Right.

Scene 7

[clop clop clop]
[boom boom]
[angels sing]
GOD
Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel!
[singing stops]
One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR
Sorry.
[boom]
GOD 
And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'.
[boom]
What are you doing now?!
ARTHUR
I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.
GOD
Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!
ARTHUR
Yes, Lord.
GOD
Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR
Good idea, O Lord!
GOD
 
'Course it's a good idea! Behold!
[angels sing]
Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur: the quest for the Holy Grail.
[boom]
[singing stops]
LAUNCELOT
A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD
God be praised!

Scene 8

[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
ARTHUR
Halt!
[horn]
Hallo!
[pause]
Hallo!
FRENCH GUARD
Allo! Who is eet?
ARTHUR
It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
FRENCH GUARD
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
FRENCH GUARD
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR
What?
GALAHAD
He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR
Are you sure he's got one?
FRENCH GUARD
Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS
[chuckling]
ARTHUR
Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
FRENCH GUARD 
Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR
Well, what are you, then?
FRENCH GUARD
I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
GALAHAD
What are you doing in England?
FRENCH GUARD
Mind your own business!
ARTHUR
If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
GALAHAD
What a strange person.
ARTHUR
Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD
I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD
No, now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
[sniff]
ARTHUR
Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
FRENCH GUARD
(Fetchez la vache.)
OTHER FRENCH GUARD
Quoi?
FRENCH GUARD
(Fetchez la vache!)
 
[mooo]
ARTHUR
If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
KNIGHTS
Christ!
[thud]
Ah! Ohh!
ARTHUR
Right! Charge!
KNIGHTS
Charge!
[mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD
Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.
[mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD
And this one's for your dad!
ARTHUR
Run away!
KNIGHTS
Run away!
FRENCH GUARD
Thppppt!
FRENCH GUARDS
[taunting]
LAUNCELOT
Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR
No, no. No, no.
BEDEVERE
Sir! I have a plan, sir. 
[later]
[wind]
[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]
[clunk]
[bang]
[rewr!]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]
[rrrr rrrr rrrr]
[drilllll]
[sawwwww]
[clunk]
[crash]
[clang]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
[creak]
FRENCH GUARDS
[whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
[clllank]
ARTHUR
What happens now?
BEDEVERE
Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
 
ARTHUR
Who leaps out?
BEDEVERE
U-- u-- uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...
ARTHUR
Ohh.
BEDEVERE
Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger--
[clank]
[twong]
ARTHUR
Run away!
KNIGHTS
Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[CRASH]
FRENCH GUARDS
Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...

Scene 9

[clack]
VOICE
Picture for Schools, take eight.
DIRECTOR
Action!
HISTORIAN
Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually. [clop clop clop] Now, this is what they did: Launcelot--
KNIGHT
Aaaah!
[slash]
[KNIGHT kills HISTORIAN]
HISTORIAN'S WIFE
Frank!

Scene 10

[trumpets]
NARRATOR
The Tale of Sir Robin. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favourite minstrels.
MINSTREL
[singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--
SIR ROBIN
That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
DENNIS
Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN
Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.
 
ALL HEADS
Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL
[singing] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
ROBIN
Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just, um-- just passing through.
ALL HEADS
What do you want?
MINSTREL
[singing] To fight and--
ROBIN
Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight.
ALL HEADS
I'm afraid not!
ROBIN
Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS
You're a Knight of the Round Table?
ROBIN
I am.
LEFT HEAD
In that case, I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD
Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD
Oh, I don't think so.
MIDDLE HEAD
Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD
I think kill him.
RIGHT HEAD
Oh, let's be nice to him.
LEFT HEAD
Oh, shut up.
ROBIN
Perhaps I could--
LEFT HEAD
And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!
RIGHT HEAD
Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE HEAD
Yes, do us all a favour!
LEFT HEAD
What?
RIGHT HEAD
Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE HEAD 
You're lucky. You're not next to him.
LEFT HEAD
What do you mean?
MIDDLE HEAD
You snore!
LEFT HEAD
Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.
MIDDLE HEAD
Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.
RIGHT HEAD
Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea.
LEFT HEAD
Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD
Yes.
RIGHT HEAD
Oh, not biscuits.
LEFT HEAD
All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.
ALL HEADS
Right!
MIDDLE HEAD
He buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD
So he has. He's scarpered.
MINSTREL
[singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away,
ROBIN
No!
MINSTREL
[singing] Bravely ran away, away.
ROBIN
I didn't!
MINSTREL
[singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
ROBIN
No!
MINSTREL
[singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN
I didn't!
MINSTREL
[singing] And gallantly he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,
ROBIN
I never did!
MINSTREL
[singing] He beat a very brave retreat,
ROBIN
All lies!
MINSTREL
[singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.
ROBIN
I never!

Cartoon

CARTOON MONKS
[chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
CARTOON CHARACTER
Heh heh heeh ooh...
[twang]
CARTOON MONKS
[chanting] Pie Iesu domine,...
CARTOON CHARACTERS
Wayy!
[splash]
Ho ho. Woa, wayy!
[twang]
[splash]
Heh heh heh heh ho! Heh heh heh!
CARTOON MONKS
[chanting] ...dona eis requiem.
CARTOON CHARACTER
Wayy!
[twang]
Wayy!
[twang]
VOICE
[whispering] Forgive me, for I have sinned.
CARTOON CHARACTER
Oh! Oooo.

Scene 11

[trumpets]
NARRATOR
The Tale of Sir Galahad.
[boom]
[wind]
[howl]
[howl]
[boom]
 
[angels singing]
[howl]
[boom]
[howl]
[boom]
[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD
Open the door!
Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[squeak]
[thump]
[squeak]
[boom]
GIRLS
Hello!
ZOOT
Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD
The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT
Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
GALAHAD
You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT
The what? 
GALAHAD
The Grail. It is here.
ZOOT
Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
MIDGET and CRAPPER
Yes, O Zoot?
ZOOT
Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CRAPPER
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...
ZOOT
Away! Away varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
GALAHAD
Well, look, I-- I, uh--
ZOOT
What is your name, handsome knight?
GALAHAD
'Sir Galahad... the Chaste'.
ZOOT
Mine is 'Zoot'. Just 'Zoot'. Oh, but come.
GALAHAD
Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT
Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
GALAHAD
No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--
ZOOT
Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
GALAHAD
Well, I-- I, uh--
ZOOT
Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
GALAHAD
No, no. It's-- it's nothing.
ZOOT
Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
[clap clap]
 
PIGLET
Well, what seems to be the trouble?
GALAHAD
They're doctors?!
ZOOT
Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes.
GALAHAD
B-- but--
ZOOT
Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practise your art.
WINSTON
Try to relax.
GALAHAD
Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
PIGLET
We must examine you.
GALAHAD
There's nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET
Please. We are doctors.
GALAHAD
Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.
PIGLET
Back to your bed! At once!
GALAHAD
Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET
There's no grail here.
GALAHAD
I have seen it! I have seen it!
[clank]
I have seen--
GIRLS
Hello.
GALAHAD
Oh.
GIRLS 
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
GALAHAD
Zoot!
DINGO
No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD
Oh, well, excuse me, I--
DINGO
Where are you going?
GALAHAD
I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
DINGO
Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD
Well, what is it?
DINGO
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
GALAHAD
It's not the real Grail?
DINGO
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty. Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.
LEFT HEAD
At least ours was better visually.
DENNIS
Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.
OLD MAN
Get on with it.
TIM THE ENCHANTER
Yes, get on with it!
ARMY OF KNIGHTS
Yes, get on with it!
DINGO
Oh, I am enjoying this scene.
GOD
Get on with it!
DINGO
[sigh] Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
GIRLS
A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO
You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
AMAZING
And spank me.
STUNNER
And me.
LOVELY
And me.
DINGO
Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS
A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
DINGO
And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS
The oral sex! The oral sex!
GALAHAD
Well, I could stay a bit longer.
LAUNCELOT
Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD
Oh, hello.
LAUNCELOT
Quick!
GALAHAD
What?
LAUNCELOT
Quick!
GALAHAD
Why?
LAUNCELOT
You are in great peril!
DINGO
No he isn't.
LAUNCELOT
Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD
You know, she's got a point.
LAUNCELOT
Come on! We will cover your escape!
GALAHAD
Look, I'm fine!
LAUNCELOT
Come on!
GIRLS
Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD
No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO
Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS
Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
LAUNCELOT
No, Sir Galahad. Come on!
GALAHAD
No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.
DINGO
Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
GIRLS
Yes. Let him handle us easily.
LAUNCELOT
No. Quick! Quick!
GALAHAD
Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!
DINGO
Yes, yes! He will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.
GIRLS
We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...
[boom]
DINGO
Oh, shit.
LAUNCELOT
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
GALAHAD
I don't think I was.
LAUNCELOT
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT
No, it's too perilous.
GALAHAD
Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
LAUNCELOT
No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT
No. It's unhealthy.
GALAHAD
I bet you're gay.
LAUNCELOT
No, I'm not.

Narrative Interlude

NARRATOR
Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--
CROWD
Get on with it!
NARRATOR
Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh!

Scene 12

OLD MAN
 
Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha ha...
ARTHUR
And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?
OLD MAN
...Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha ha...
ARTHUR
Where does he live?
OLD MAN
...Heh heh heh heh...
ARTHUR
Old man, where does he live?
OLD MAN
...Hee ha ha ha. He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
ARTHUR
And the Grail. The Grail is there?
OLD MAN
There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
ARTHUR
But the Grail! Where is the Grail?!
OLD MAN
Seek you the Bridge of Death.
ARTHUR
The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
OLD MAN
Heh, hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hee ha ha...

Scene 13

[spooky music] 
[music stops]
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR
Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT
We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM
Ni!
ARTHUR
No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
HEAD KNIGHT
The same!
BEDEVERE
Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT
We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!
RANDOM
Neee-wom!
ARTHUR
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT
The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR
Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT
Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
ARTHUR
Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
HEAD KNIGHT
We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR
Well, what is it you want?
 
HEAD KNIGHT
We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR
A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR and PARTY
Ow! Oh!
ARTHUR
Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT
You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.
ARTHUR
O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT
One that looks nice.
ARTHUR
Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT
And not too expensive.
ARTHUR
Yes.
HEAD KNIGHT
Now... go!

Cartoon

[trumpets]
CARTOON CHARACTER
Hmm hmm--
[boom]
Oh! Great scott! Hm. Hmm.
[boom]
Hm! Hmm. [mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom] 
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
Ohh!
[crash]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
SUN
Ay, up! Thsss.
[boom]
Ayy, up!
[boom]
Thsss.
[boom]
Ayy, up!
CARTOON CHARACTER
Stop that! Stop that!
[boom]
SUN
Ay, up!
CARTOON CHARACTER
Stop that!
[boom]
Look on! Clear off! Go on! Go away! Go away! Go away! And you! Clear off!
[sniff]
SUN
[mumble mumble mumble]
[bells]
CARTOON CHARACTER
Hah. Bloody weather.

Scene 14

NARRATOR
The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
FATHER
One day, lad, all this will be yours!
PRINCE HERBERT
What, the curtains?
FATHER
No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.
HERBERT
But Mother--
FATHER
Father, lad. Father.
HERBERT
B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.
FATHER
Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.
HERBERT
But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--
FATHER
Rather what?!
HERBERT
I'd rather...
[music]
...just... sing!
FATHER
Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT
B-- but I don't want land.
FATHER
Listen, Alice,--
HERBERT
Herbert.
FATHER
'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
HERBERT
But-- but I don't like her.
FATHER
Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land.
HERBERT
I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have...
[music]
...a certain,... special... something!
FATHER
Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!
[smack]
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
GUARD #1
Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GUARD #2
Hic!
 
FATHER
No, no. Until I come and get him.
GUARD #1
Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
FATHER
No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1
And you'll come and get him.
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
Right.
GUARD #1
We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.
FATHER
No, no. Leaving the room.
GUARD #1
Leaving the room. Yes.
[sniff]
FATHER
All right?
GUARD #1
Right.
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
Right.
GUARD #1
Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--
FATHER
Yes? What is it?
GUARD #1
Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--
FATHER
Look, it's quite simple.
GUARD #1
Uh...
FATHER
You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
Right.
GUARD #1
Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER
N-- no no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--
GUARD #1
Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--
FATHER
No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--
GUARD #1
Until you or anyone else--
FATHER
No, not anyone else. Just me.
GUARD #1
Just you.
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
Get back.
GUARD #1
Get back.
FATHER
All right?
GUARD #1
Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1
What?
FATHER
Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1
The Prince?
FATHER
Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1
Oh, yes, of course.
GUARD #2
Hic!
GUARD #1
Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
FATHER
Is that clear?
GUARD #2
Hic!
GUARD #1
Oh, quite clear. No problems.
FATHER
Right. Where are you going?
GUARD #1
We're coming with you.
FATHER
No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1
Oh, I see. Right.
HERBERT
But Father!
FATHER
Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!
[music]
And no singing!
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
Oh, go and get a glass of water.
[clank]
[scribble scribble scribble fold fold]
[twong]

Scene 15

LAUNCELOT
Well taken, Concorde!
CONCORDE
Thank you, sir! Most kind.
LAUNCELOT
And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Concorde!
[thwonk]
CONCORDE
Message for you, sir.
[fwump]
LAUNCELOT 
Concorde! Concorde! Speak to me! 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.' At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!
CONCORDE
Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, sir.
LAUNCELOT
Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
CONCORDE
I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, sir.
LAUNCELOT
Oh, I see.
CONCORDE
Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir--
LAUNCELOT
No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... [sigh]
CONCORDE
Idiom, sir?
LAUNCELOT
Idiom!
CONCORDE
No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
LAUNCELOT
Farewell, sweet Concorde!
CONCORDE
I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? Yeah.

Scene 16

[inside castle]
PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS
 
[giggle giggle giggle]
[outside castle]
GUEST
'Morning!
SENTRY #1
'Morning.
SENTRY #2
Oooh.
SENTRY #1
[ptoo]
LAUNCELOT
Ha ha! Hiyya!
SENTRY #2
Hey!
LAUNCELOT
Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.
PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS 
[giggle giggle giggle]
LAUNCELOT
Ha ha! Huy!
GUESTS
Uuh! Aaah!
LAUNCELOT
Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!...
GUARD #1
Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh!
LAUNCELOT
O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
HERBERT
You got my note!
LAUNCELOT
Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.
HERBERT
You've come to rescue me!
LAUNCELOT
Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't--
HERBERT
I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there...
[music]
LAUNCELOT
Well, I--
HERBERT
...there must be... someone...
FATHER
Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
HERBERT
I'm your son!
FATHER
No, not you.
LAUNCELOT
Uh, I am Sir Launcelot, sir.
HERBERT
He's come to rescue me, Father.
LAUNCELOT
Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
FATHER
Did you kill all those guards?
LAUNCELOT
Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry.
FATHER
They cost fifty pounds each!
LAUNCELOT
Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.
HERBERT
Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I've got a rope all ready.
FATHER
You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LAUNCELOT
Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER
I can understand that.
HERBERT
Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!
FATHER
Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
LAUNCELOT
Well, I really didn't mean to...
FATHER
Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
LAUNCELOT
Oh, dear. Is he all right?
FATHER
You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune! 
LAUNCELOT
Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
FATHER
Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
HERBERT
Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
LAUNCELOT
Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
FATHER
Very nice castle, Camelot. Uh, very good pig country.
LAUNCELOT
Is it?
HERBERT
Hurry! I'm ready!
FATHER
Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
LAUNCELOT
Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,...
HERBERT
I am ready!
LAUNCELOT
...um, I mean to be so understanding.
[thonk]
Um,...
[woosh]
HERBERT
Oooh!
LAUNCELOT
...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.
FATHER
Oh, don't worry about that.
HERBERT
Oooh!
[splat]

Scene 17

GUESTS
[crying]
FATHER
Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room.
GUEST
There he is!
FATHER
Oh, bloody hell.
LAUNCELOT
Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!
FATHER
Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!
LAUNCELOT
Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.
GUEST #1
He's killed the best man!
GUESTS
[yelling]
FATHER
Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the Court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today.
LAUNCELOT
Hello.
GUEST
He killed my auntie!
GUESTS
[yelling]
FATHER
Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.
GUESTS
Oh! Oh, no!
FATHER
But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter!
[clap clap clap]
For, since the tragic death of her father--
GUEST #2
He's not quite dead!
FATHER
Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
GUEST #2
He's getting better!
FATHER
For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.
BRIDE'S FATHER
Uugh!
GUEST #2
Oh, he's died!
FATHER
And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense.
[clap clap clap]
And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot--
LAUNCELOT
What?
GUEST #2
Look! The dead Prince!
GUESTS
Oooh! The dead Prince!
CONCORDE
He's not quite dead.
HERBERT
No, I feel much better.
FATHER
You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!
HERBERT
No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER
How?!
HERBERT
Well, I'll tell you.
[music]
FATHER
Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!
GUESTS
[singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
FATHER
Shut uuup!
GUESTS
[singing] He's going to tell!...
FATHER
Shut up!
GUESTS
[singing] He's going to tell!...
FATHER
Shut up!
GUESTS
[singing] He's going to tell!...
FATHER
Not like that!
GUESTS
[singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
CONCORDE
Quickly, sir!
GUESTS
[singing] He's going to tell!...
CONCORDE
Come this way!
GUESTS
[singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
LAUNCELOT
No! It's not right for my idiom!
GUESTS
[singing] He's going to tell about his great escape...
LAUNCELOT
I must escape more... [sigh]
GUESTS
[singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way,...
CONCORDE
Dramatically, sir?
LAUNCELOT
Dramatically!
GUESTS
[singing] But he's here with us today...
LAUNCELOT
Heee! Hoa!
[crash]
Hoo!
GUESTS
[singing] What a wonderful escape!
LAUNCELOT
Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?

Scene 18

[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
[rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr!]
ARTHUR
Old crone!
[rewr!]
[music stops]
Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?
[dramatic chord]
OLD CRONE
Who sent you?
ARTHUR
The Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
CRONE
Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
ARTHUR
If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'.
CRONE
Agh! Do your worst!
ARTHUR
Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!
CRONE
No! Never! No shrubberies!
ARTHUR
Ni!
CRONE
[cough]
BEDEVERE
Nu!
ARTHUR
No, no, no, no, i--
BEDEVERE
Nu!
ARTHUR
No, it's not that. It's 'ni'.
BEDEVERE
Nu!
ARTHUR
No, no. 'Ni'. You're not doing it properly. No.
BEDEVERE
Ni!
ARTHUR and BEDEVERE
Ni!
ARTHUR
That's it. That's it. You've got it.
ARTHUR and BEDEVERE
Ni!
CRONE
Ohh!
BEDEVERE
Ni!
ARTHUR
Ni!
CRONE
Agh!
BEDEVERE
Ni!
ARTHUR
Ni!
BEDEVERE
Ni!
ARTHUR
Ni!
BEDEVERE
Ni!
ROGER THE SHRUBBER
Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?
ARTHUR
Erm,... yes.
ROGER
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR
Did you say 'shrubberies'?
ROGER
Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
BEDEVERE
Ni!
ARTHUR
No! No, no, no! No!

Scene 19

ARTHUR
O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT
It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem.
ARTHUR
What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT
We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI
Ni! Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT
Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang- zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.
RANDOM
Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT
Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR
What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'?
HEAD KNIGHT
Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR
Not another shrubbery!
RANDOM
Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KNIGHTS OF NI
A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!...
HEAD KNIGHT
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
KNIGHTS OF NI
A herring!
ARTHUR
We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT
Oh, please!
ARTHUR
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS OF NI
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT
Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
ARTHUR
What word?
HEAD KNIGHT
I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
ARTHUR
How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS OF NI
Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT
You said it again!
ARTHUR
What, 'is'?
KNIGHTS OF NI 
Agh! No, not 'is'.
HEAD KNIGHT
No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.
KNIGHTS OF NI
No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.
BEDEVERE
My liege, it's Sir Robin!
MINSTREL
[singing] Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
ARTHUR
Sir Robin!
ROBIN
My liege! It's good to see you.
HEAD KNIGHT
Now he's said the word!
ARTHUR
Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL
[singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN
Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT
He said the word again!
KNIGHTS OF NI
Aaaaugh!
ROBIN
I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS OF NI
Aaaaugh!
ROBIN
Uh, here-- here in this forest.
ARTHUR
No, it is far from this place.
KNIGHTS OF NI
Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT
Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...
ARTHUR
Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS OF NI
...we cannot hear!
HEAD KNIGHT
Ow! He said it again!
ARTHUR
Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT
Wait! I said it! I said it!
[clop clop clop]
Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!
KNIGHTS OF NI
Aaaaugh!

Narrative Interlude

NARRATOR
And so, Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four. Beyond the forest, they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS
Yay! Yay!
[woosh]
NARRATOR
 
In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels.
MINSTREL
[high-pitched] Get back! Eee!
NARRATOR
And there was much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS
Yay!
NARRATOR
A year passed.
CARTOON CHARACTER
[shivering]
NARRATOR
Winter changed into Spring.
CARTOON CHARACTER
Mmm, nice.
NARRATOR
Spring changed into Summer.
CARTOON CHARACTER
Oh. Ahh.
NARRATOR
Summer changed back into Winter,...
CARTOON CHARACTER
Oh?
NARRATOR
...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.
CARTOON CHARACTER
Aah.
[snap]
Oh! Waa!
NARRATOR
Until one day...

Scene 20

[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
[music stops]
[boom]
KNIGHTS
Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.
ARTHUR
Knights! Forward! 
[boom boom boom boom boom]
[squeak]
[boom boom boom boom]
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
TIM THE ENCHANTER
I... am an enchanter.
ARTHUR
By what name are you known?
TIM
There are some who call me... 'Tim'?
ARTHUR
Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
TIM
Greetings, King Arthur!
ARTHUR
You know my name?
TIM
I do.
[zoosh]
You seek the Holy Grail!
ARTHUR
That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
TIM
Quite.
[pweeng boom]
[clap clap clap]
ROBIN
Oh.
ARTHUR
Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS
Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm.
ARTHUR
And so we're-- we're-- we're looking for it.
BEDEVERE
Yes, we are.
GALAHAD
Yeah.
ROBIN
We are. We are.
BEDEVERE
We have been for some time.
ROBIN
Ages.
BEDEVERE
Umhm.
ARTHUR
Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help... would be... very... helpful.
GALAHAD
Look, can you tell us where--
[boom]
ARTHUR
Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh--
TIM
A what...?
ARTHUR
A g-- a-- a g-- a g-- a-- a g--
 
TIM
A grail?!
ARTHUR
Yes, I think so.
ROBIN
Y-- y-- yes.
ARTHUR
Yes.
GALAHAD
Yup.
KNIGHTS
That's it...
TIM
Yes!
ROBIN
Oh.
ARTHUR
Oh. Thank you.
ROBIN
Ahh.
GALAHAD
Oh. Fine.
ARTHUR
Thank you.
ROBIN
Splendid.
KNIGHTS
Aah...
[boom pweeng boom boom]
ARTHUR
Look, um, you're a busy man, uh--
TIM
Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS
Oh, thank you. Oh...
TIM
To the north there lies a cave-- the cave of Caerbannog-- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged...
[boom]
...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.
ARTHUR
Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM
Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
ARTHUR
What an eccentric performance.

Scene 21

[clop clop clop]
[whinny whinny]
GALAHAD
They're nervous, sire.
ARTHUR
Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
TIM
Behold the cave of Caerbannog! 
ARTHUR
Right! Keep me covered.
GALAHAD
What with?
ARTHUR
W-- just keep me covered.
TIM
Too late!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR
What?
TIM
There he is!
ARTHUR
Where?
TIM
There!
ARTHUR
What, behind the rabbit?
TIM
It is the rabbit.
ARTHUR
You silly sod!
TIM
What?
ARTHUR
You got us all worked up!
TIM
Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!
ARTHUR
Ohh.
TIM
That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
ROBIN
You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
TIM
Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
GALAHAD
Get stuffed!
TIM
He'll do you up a treat, mate.
GALAHAD
Oh, yeah?
ROBIN
You mangy Scots git!
TIM
I'm warning you!
ROBIN
What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM
 
He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR
Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS
Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
TIM
Look!
[squeak]
BORS
Aaaugh!
[dramatic chord]
[clunk]
ARTHUR
Jesus Christ!
TIM
I warned you!
ROBIN
I done it again!
TIM 
I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
ARTHUR
Oh, shut up!
TIM
Do they listen to me?
ARTHUR
Right!
TIM
Oh, no...
KNIGHTS
Charge!
[squeak squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.
ARTHUR
Run away! Run away!
 
KNIGHTS
Run away! Run away!...
TIM
Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!
ARTHUR
Right. How many did we lose?
LAUNCELOT
Gawain.
GALAHAD
Ector.
ARTHUR
And Bors. That's five.
GALAHAD
Three, sir.
ARTHUR
Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.
ROBIN
Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ARTHUR
Oh, shut up and go and change your armour.
GALAHAD
Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
ARTHUR
Like what?
GALAHAD
Well... ooh.
LAUNCELOT
Have we got bows?
ARTHUR
No.
LAUNCELOT
We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
ARTHUR 
Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
MONKS
[chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
ARTHUR
How does it, um-- how does it work?
LAUNCELOT
I know not, my liege.
ARTHUR
Consult the Book of Armaments!
BROTHER MAYNARD
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
SECOND BROTHER
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people
did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
MAYNARD
Skip a bit, Brother.
SECOND BROTHER
And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.' 
MAYNARD
Amen.
KNIGHTS
Amen.
ARTHUR
Right! One!... Two!... Five!
GALAHAD
Three, sir!
ARTHUR
Three!
[angels sing]
[boom]

Scene 22

ARTHUR
There! Look!
LAUNCELOT
What does it say?
GALAHAD
What language is that?
ARTHUR
Brother Maynard! You are a scholar.
MAYNARD
It's Aramaic!
GALAHAD
Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!
LAUNCELOT
'Course!
 
ARTHUR
What does it say?
MAYNARD
It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaaaaagggh'.
ARTHUR
What?
MAYNARD
'...The Castle of aaaaaagggh'.
BEDEVERE
What is that?
MAYNARD
He must have died while carving it.
LAUNCELOT
Oh, come on!
MAYNARD
Well, that's what it says.
ARTHUR
Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaggh'. He'd just say it!
MAYNARD
Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
GALAHAD
Perhaps he was dictating.
ARTHUR
Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
MAYNARD
No. Just, 'aaaaaagggh'.
LAUNCELOT
Aaaauugggh.
ARTHUR
Aaaaaggh.
BEDEVERE
Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue?
GALAHAD
Where's that?
BEDEVERE
France, I think.
LAUNCELOT
Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall?
ARTHUR
No, that's 'Saint Ives'.
LAUNCELOT
Oh, yes. Saint Iiiiives.
KNIGHTS
Iiiiives.
BEDEVERE
Oooohoohohooo!
LAUNCELOT
No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh.
BEDEVERE
N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm.
LAUNCELOT
Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!
BEDEVERE
Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!
ARTHUR
Oooh!
GALAHAD 
My God!
[dramatic chord]
[roar]
MAYNARD
It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh!
[Black Beast of Aaauugh eats BROTHER MAYNARD]
BEDEVERE
That's it! That's it!
ARTHUR
Run away!
KNIGHTS
Run away!
[roar]
Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!
[roar]
Keep running!
[boom]
[roar]
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...
BEDEVERE
We've lost him.
[roar]
KNIGHTS
Aagh!
NARRATOR
As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.
ANIMATOR
Ulk!
[thump]
NARRATOR
The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Grail could continue.

Scene 23

[gurgle]
GALAHAD
There it is!
ARTHUR
The Bridge of Death!
ROBIN
Oh, great.
ARTHUR
Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!
BEDEVERE
What is he doing here?
ARTHUR
He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--
GALAHAD
Three questions.
ARTHUR
Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
GALAHAD
Three questions.
ARTHUR
Three questions may cross in safety.
ROBIN
What if you get a question wrong?
ARTHUR
Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
ROBIN
Oh, I won't go.
GALAHAD
Who's going to answer the questions?
ARTHUR
Sir Robin!
ROBIN
Yes?
ARTHUR
Brave Sir Robin, you go.
ROBIN
Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
LAUNCELOT
Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
ARTHUR
No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
GALAHAD
Three questions.
ARTHUR
 
Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
LAUNCELOT
I understand, my liege.
ARTHUR
Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
BRIDGEKEEPER
Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER
What... is your name?
LAUNCELOT
My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER
What... is your quest?
LAUNCELOT
To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER
What... is your favourite colour? 
LAUNCELOT
Blue.
BRIDGEKEEPER
Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN
That's easy!
BRIDGEKEEPER
Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
ROBIN
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER
What... is your name?
ROBIN
'Sir Robin of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER
What... is your quest?
ROBIN
To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER
What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
ROBIN
I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER
Stop! What... is your name?
GALAHAD
'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER
What... is your quest?
GALAHAD
I seek the Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER
What... is your favourite colour?
GALAHAD
Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER
Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
ARTHUR
It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
BRIDGEKEEPER
What... is your quest?
ARTHUR
To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
BRIDGEKEEPER
Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEVERE
How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR
Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
[suspenseful music]
[music suddenly stops]
[intermission]
[suspenseful music resumes]

Scene 24

 
ARTHUR
Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEVERE
Launcelot! Launcelot!
ARTHUR
Launcelot!
[police radio]
Launcelot!
BEDEVERE
Launcelot! Launcelot!
[angels sing]
[singing stops]
[ethereal music]
ARTHUR
The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy--
[twong]
[baaaa]
Jesus Christ! 
[thud]
FRENCH GUARD
Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
ARTHUR
How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
FRENCH GUARD
 
How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out- clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ARTHUR
In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
FRENCH GUARD
No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR
If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[splat]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[splat]
FRENCH GUARDS
[laughing] 
ARTHUR
Agh. Right! That settles it!
FRENCH GUARD
Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
ARTHUR
Walk away. Just ignore them.
FRENCH GUARD
And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!
FRENCH GUARDS
[taunting]
ARTHUR
We shall attack at once!
BEDEVERE
Yes, my liege!
ARTHUR
Stand by for attack!
[exciting music]
[music stops]
[silence]
French persons!
FRENCH GUARDS
[taunting] ...Dappy!...
ARTHUR
Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God,...
FRENCH GUARDS
Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...
ARTHUR
...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!
FRENCH GUARDS
...Ha ha ha!...
ARTHUR
Charge!
ARMY OF KNIGHTS
Hooray!
[police siren]
HISTORIAN'S WIFE
Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.
INSPECTOR
Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.
OFFICER #1
All right. Come on. Back.
HISTORIAN'S WIFE
Get that one.
OFFICER #1
Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
INSPECTOR
Put this man in the van.
OFFICER #1
Clear off. Come on.
BEDEVERE
With whom?
INSPECTOR
Which one?
OFFICER #1
Oh-- this one.
INSPECTOR
Come on. Put him in the van.
OFFICER #2
Get a blanket.
OFFICER #1
We have no hospital.
RANDOM
Ahh.
[squeak]
RANDOM
Ooh.
OFFICER #1
Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
OFFICER #2
Run along! Run along!
 
OFFICER #1
Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.
OFFICER #2
Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
INSPECTOR
Everything?
[squeak]
OFFICER #1
All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.
[crash]
CAMERAMAN
Christ!

THE END